But in the name of understanding now
Our problems should be shared
Um yes. I’m quoting Kylie at people today. Sorry. It’s a reminder to me that while I want the guild to work at communicating with each other, that same rule applies to me. As I realised last night after a heartfelt talk with a couple of guildies who’d noticed Not All Was Right With The Tree.
Now I question my performance all the time. It’s not a bad thing. Except when I begin to self-flagellate about it. And I’m quite good at that. But I was part of the team that took Putricide down the other evening, and we got Valithria up too last night for the first time so I can’t be THAT bad!
I’d kept how I was feeling from people but it was noticeable. And we talked about it afterwards. And it felt good to get it off my chest, and have a different viewpoint from the one I was gazing at despondently, of not being good enough.
I should have a first class honours degree in self doubt…but with regards to my gaming and enjoying gaming of all sorts, I think my deep rooted self doubt stems back to a long long time ago…
I was a live action roleplayer for ooh….about 6-7 years. I went to a couple of day events, and ended up in a long term relationship with the guy who was running it. What can I say? The first time I saw him, he appeared out of the mists, with long black hair and the bluest eyes and a smile that was a killer. I never quite worked out how we got together, I never had that luck with men normally…..Anyway, stuff happened, and things ended but we’re good friends, and it’s always lovely to see him, his wife and their little girl.
During those 6-7 years, I live-roleplayed a lot. Like every other weekend. And we played all sorts of tabletop roleplaying, games etc through the week. I was a complete game girl geek. And I was good at it. In fact there was nothing more I loved than to immerse myself in my characters. And when I wasn’t playing but monstering, I’d often write the adventures, come up with some fun ideas – inspired by a Mission video, I once had an entire party try to catch a flying book to much laughter.
During that time, my characters would earn experience quickly, and I mean really quickly. I was GOOD at what I did, I loved it, I was passionate and I threw myself into it. (It helped that I loved drama – the official sort, not the stuff with llamas, thank you – at school.) And I was pretty scary at times too – I remember one of my characters having a panic as this big nasty robot came meandering down a deep dark tunnel at us, a bunch of medieval style fantasy characters, and being asked by a referee if I was okay. He thought I was genuinely panicking! I quickly reassured him, and we carried on as…uh…normal in those set of circumstances.
And then IT happened. The day when people I was adventuring with, who I’d thought were my friends, circled around me and accused me of zooming up levels because I was….SLEEPING WITH THE BOSS. And suddenly all sorts of horrible thoughts crept in. Was I not good? Was it only because I had (sorry about this) a warm wet hole that I was gaining experience so rapidly? In that brief moment, every single doubt entered my mind. And it threw me. It threw me because up until that moment, I had no doubt that I was GOOD at what I did.
I spoke to him. I asked him. And he laughed at my words. “No,” he said, quite affectionately. “If anything I was being too harsh on you, and marking you down. Everyone else was marking you UP.” I believed him, it was the sort of thing he’d do. But it made me shockingly aware of just how people can feel towards you, when they see you in what they consider a position of power. And it shook my feelings towards the group I was in, and how they perceived me. And how they percieved themselves. And it served to let the worm of self doubt wiggle into something I’d loved.
I don’t have any of that here. I know that my performance counts. I know that we are all above that sort of thing. I’m not sleeping with the boss, hell I AM the boss! But that worm still shows his face sometimes, and smacks me about my own with a rubber sword. When he does, next time though, heavens help him, I’m not going to hold it in, I’m going to let people know, and with their help, I’m going to snatch it from him and beat him right back with it.
I started this post with a song, and I shall end with a song.
We postponed our raid by an hour last night, one of our tanks was delayed. During that time, Wreen, an officer and true gentleman, created a song and accompanying video. Which he then shared with us all. It is so totally made of win, and I love it to bits. It sums everything up very nicely about our guild with its delightfully catchy chorus. I leave you with Wreen’s words…..